


The Great Whale Fight of 326,501

by schrijverr



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Jonny is a flat earther, Space Whales, Whales, ashes is here for chaos, crackfic, fun shirts, god do not take this seriously, rip ivy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schrijverr/pseuds/schrijverr
Summary: Some of the crew doesn’t believe that whales exists, when this comes to light a fight starts between the two sides, ending in flat-planeters and fun Tshirts.
Relationships: Drumbot Brian & Nastya Rasputina, The Mechanism Ensemble vs. The Mechanism Ensemble, didnt see that coming ey
Comments: 12
Kudos: 38





	The Great Whale Fight of 326,501

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AssyEr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssyEr/gifts).



> I blame _assyer_ for this whole fic and will deny any responsibility in the creation or origin of this fic. No, I will not take questions at this time, thank you.

A whale.

It is a normal animal that most on this earth are familiar with. Hardly anyone has seen one in real life, but almost no one has never heard the word.

But the mechanisms are not from this world, except for Tim, who will tear his own hair out if you mention a whale in his presence.

Tim does not hate whales, of course he doesn’t. Whales are great, sweet animals that he cannot picture in his mind because they’re so big. Tim used to love whales. Used to until the Great Whale Fight of 326,501.

It had all started with Brian getting fished out of the sun. He had been there for a few centuries while the other were exploring the rest of space until the narrative would let them near Camelot again.

When Brain was out of the sun The Toy Soldier asked concerned: “Are You Alright, Old Chap? Not Too Lonely In The Sun?”

“No, no, I had the whales to keep me company.” Brian answered.

“Brian, are you delirious? Is your mechanism failing?” Jonny slapped his face, trying to snap him out of whatever daze he was in, “We both know whales aren’t real.”

“According to my books whales are gigantic seas creatures native to the planet earth documented during the human era.” Ivy told Jonny.

“Of course there are whales, they were in the books.” Tim backed Ivy up.

“Books are rubbish and full of myths, you can’t trust them. Whales aren’t real and even if they were they’re apparently sea creatures, not sun creatures.” Jonny said.

“No, they were there, in the sun. They had puppy eyes, very sweet.” Brian insisted.

“Yeah, okay, Brian is broken. Where is Nastya?” Jonny let go of the lapels of Brians coat, how it had survived he did not know, as the drumbot fell back to the floor.

“I’m here.” Nastya replied distantly from where she was standing at the observation deck, desperately looking to the sun.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jonny asked.

“Trying to see one of the whales. I miss whales.” Nastya replied.

“I just said they aren’t real.” Jonny threw his hands up.

“And since when do you get to decide that?” Tim asked, “You are not really the one I would go to for facts. Whales are real.”

“I’m with Tim here.” Ivy said.

“Hey! When I showed up and said whales were my favourite animals you all didn’t want to believe me, but now we’re defending them?” Marius exclaimed.

“Because it was funny, Marius.” Tim replied, “Besides, whales don’t prove you’re a doctor.”

“I didn’t even say that!” Marius’ yell was ignored.

“I don’t think whales are real.” Ashes said, picking a side despite not having an opinion just for the chaos of it.

“Yeah there are.” Nastya frowned, “There are space whales and water whales. I saw them when you left me after I sunk on that one planet.”

“You mean that time on earth, before any interesting evolution had happened?” Jonny asked, “That was ages ago, you probably don’t remember it right.”

“Exactly, whales aren’t real. They’re made up by not real scientists.” Raphaella mixed herself into the conversation as well.

“See, the scientist agrees. I’m right.” Jonny said smugly.

“You never believe Raphaella, why are you starting now?” Marius protested.

“Because you believe her, so why not now, von Raum? Wanna explain that?” and Marius wanted nothing more than to punch Jonny in the face, especially when Raph send him an inquisitive look and Ashes grinned: “Yeah, Marius, why won’t you explain that one?”

He clenched his fist and then just went for it, sucker punching Jonny right in the face with his metal hand, enjoying the crunching noise his jaw made.

“Whale side started!” Ashes yelled, before charging at Marius.

After that it was every man for himself. Ashes was chocking Marius while Tim was trying to fend off Raphaellas wings, while Ivy was trying to save herself from Jonnys attacks, who was getting help from TS after a quick order. Brian laid forgotten on the floor, still trying to heal, and Nastya smartly heaved herself up into a vent before anyone could drag her into it.

There was no clear winner, even after the whole thing had dragged on for three full days, so each side declared themselves the winners.

In the following days there was no fraternization between them. If before you were friends with someone who did or did not believe in whales, depending on which side you were on, now you weren’t.

Raphaella and Marius no longer did science together, Brian and Ivy were no longer invited to The Toy Soldiers tea party and Jonny was giving Nastya the cold shoulder, while Ashes refused to play cards with Tim.

This went on for a long while, about four months, but it was getting annoying, so Jonny knew that he would have to stoke the fire before it ended. 

Taking inspiration from Ulysses he proposed a truce by giving Nastya and Brian both the same shirt that read: ‘ _I was lefd on a plannet end al I saw was a wale_ ’

The two in question were ecstatic, both with the shirt and a reason to leave the fight that had broken out. Brian didn’t like fighting and Nastya just didn’t care enough, she only wanted to see some more whales. Brian was easily convinced to fly closely past a sun in an attempt to spot them.

Ivy, however, was not at all amused at the shirts. When she saw the two wearing them, she immediately found Jonny and yelled: “A sun is not a planet and there are no whales in the sun!”

“Why not, it’s also flat and in space?” Jonny shrugged, “Besides, Brian and Nastya seem to think otherwise. Thought they were on your side?”

“They were, uh, they are!” Ivy said defensively, “You’re just trying to win them over.”

“And I feel that is going pretty well.” Jonny stuck out his tongue.

“Wait, Jonny, did you just say that suns are flat like planets?” Marius asked, from where he was sitting on the couch. Beside him Ashes smelled Jonnys bullshit they and innocently said: “Yeah, duh, who doesn’t know that?”

Marius gaped like a fish and looked like he was about to explode as Ivy screamed: “We literally fly past planets every fucking day! How the fuck do you not know they are round not fucking flat!”

“Because I have common sense, Ivy.” Jonny told her, basking in the chaos he was creating, “If I stand then the ground around me is flat. There is such a thing called being level that can’t happen if a planet is round, it has to be flat.”

“Yeah, how can you debunk that, eh, Ivy.” Ashes grinned.

“Planets are big, okay? They can be round with a slight slope that you don’t notice and therefore feel flat, but they are not flat, just look outside, just look through any of the windows on Aurora and look at any planet ever.” Ivys cheeks were beginning to match the color of her hair as she got angrier.

“And how do we not fall off then, someone has to be on the underside.” Ashes asked, phrasing it like they were telling her something and she was dumb.

“Because gravity!” Marius exploded, “Tell me you know fucking gravity!”

“No, I don’t believe in that.” Jonny said calmly, backing Ashes up without a blink.

“First whales, now this, what are you going to say next.” Ivy screamed frustrated.

“Fucking nothing if I have anything to say about it.” Marius said, jumping Jonny to kill him so often it would take a month to reform.

And with a cackle from Jonny a new fight broke out again. The animosity from this fight lasted about a year, but was never fully resolved. 

The terms whale and flat in combination with planet were banned, with Aurora shooting anyone who brought it up again.

So yeah, Tim used to love whales, Marius too, but the Great Whale Fight of 326,501 kind of ruined it for everyone that wasn’t Ashes or Jonny as well as Brian and Nastya, who now spend about an hour every week together trying to spot some whales out there in the vastness of space.

**Author's Note:**

> This got very out of hand, but if you somehow read it all and enjoyed it, please leave a comment because they really do make my day :D


End file.
